music, baking and coffee withdrawal

No posts this week, mostly because I've been doing pretty close to nothing. It's been great. I feel like the last four months have been so dark, changing, crazy - now my brain and body just want to sit and soak in the silence I find here during the days.

My flute taught me an important lesson today (or perhaps an inner guide deserves some credit here)...

I was tooting along learning my notes this afternoon, getting especially stuck on D which constantly and dramatically changes pitch depending on how I am holding the flute and my lips.
As I was becoming frustrated, I suddenly realised that I needed to take joy in the baby steps rather than just focusing on becoming an expert and mastering the instrument at some point in the future. This may sound commonsense to some people but I always seem to forget to have fun along the way.
So I closed my eyes, changed my perspective and could suddenly feel the smooth keys clicking under my fingers, and the vibration that runs through my hands as the notes are played and my breath runs through it. I felt the angle of my head and arms, even the sound in my heart. It changed the entire experience and I felt absorbed in the moment.

It's now been two days without coffee after a sudden decision to quit... and I am one grumpy headachey lass. I've been drinking genmai cha instead - green tea with roasted brown rice. It's not quite the same!

On a food note, this is possibly the best bread recipe I've ever tried - it's so simple yet the fresh yeast turns it into an artisan loaf. I highly recommend giving it a go! For full effect, after rising and knocking back, roll out the dough and then fold it over itself in thirds. press down each end and fold it under. Then wipe with salt water and sprinkle with flour.

And lastly, here's an obligatory London photo... More bike porn to follow.

on being a lady of leisure

i just liked this. it's so andy. (it's in our bathroom.)

a few completely non-soap-related ponderings about things I've learned, which you may not have time to listen to... but I have the leisure of time to write, and I intend to make the most of it my dears.

first of all, that it really is okay to allow yourself pure laziness now and then... so long as you're truly enjoying the experience of it, not inconveniencing anyone else, and most importantly refraining from beating yourself up with 'shoulds' for not being out there doing Important Stuff - I guarantee it won't last forever.

likewise, it's okay if 'in your own time' is a pretty damn slow time. being gentle on yourself gives you the space to take the steps necessary to grow, without remembering it as a negative and stressful experience.

third, bicycles are truly wondrous and beautiful things that make the streets look graceful and safer than they ultimately are. with the bonus of guaranteed exercise. if you live in a flat city - get on one now! it's the closest we get to flying on a daily basis.

and preferably, or if you can at all help it, never take the advice of a girl who's had a rather large bottle of banana-bread beer on a sunny day at 5.2% alcohol volume.

today was international hug-a-vegetarian day. i got some hugs from vegetarians, and gave some hugs as a vegetarian. i tried to hug this guy, but had a pretty epic fail. i'm sure he appreciated the gesture.

i was thinking today, of some words / actions that always make me laugh when i'm feeling down:

sparrows having dirt baths (thanks anna!)
a toddler's expression as he breaks for freedom from his mum and dad and does that crazy when-will-he-topple type run
boggle-eyed anything - fish, cats, pugs...
engrish! it's foolproof i swear!
yogalates  - ahahahahaha....
wagging - not like being a footballer's wife or skipping school, more like a dog... try it! when you're taking life far too seriously - wiggle your hips back and forth on either side, stick your tongue out, grin... well it helps me anyway.

cliched phrases spoken in melodramatic earnest, such as "my head and my heart got together and had a meeting - and i wasn't invited". (hah - that was naughty. but i'm laughing, and that's the main thing right now). that one just kills me every damn time... and reminds me why i'm here, doing what i'm doing, real-proper-no-bollocks solo - to realise more about who i am, and why i am.

and to drink banana beer.

that is all for now.

*

the finer things

pottering about in London central with Steve :) Soaking up some of my other favourite things (aside from bikes and gardening) - food and art!

fancy cafe = fancy sugar

yum! cheers for the breakfast shout hermano!

famous borough markets, still beautiful when empty

just another beautiful pub...

steve apparently basking in debtor prison pub's lighting with his fruli (strawberry beer)

tate modern - they weren't an installation, just cute

*

The last day and a bit have been super lazy - I have a nasty throat infection and it's very grey outside... so I've been playing housewife, watering the garden, washing up and cooking for my lovely hosts. I started feeling unwell after Hong Kong, where everyone was getting about in masks, and I worried that if I mentioned it to staff as they said we should that they would quarantine me!

Starting to suffer from cabin fever now so I will dress up nice tomorrow and explore some old haunts; Hackney, Stoke Newington, Shoreditch etc.

Another really strange 'coincidence' - in my first few hours in London, Caro showed me a bbc clip of two middleaged gay gentlemen and their little daughter having their grocery-shopping habits made over by an expert, who showed them a great cheat's way of making fancy bread. I kept thinking the guy looked familiar... it was Jonathan. They were my ex's uncles and niece. What are the chances..?!

city cycle snaps!

i've noticed that bicycles have exploded onto the streets since I was last on british soil, and it's almost a dutch flavour seeing so many basketed bikes chained up to the railings.

here are some of my favourites from yesterday...

ah...

beautiful 

banana-esque-ness

raleigh shopper

my favourite!

day one - around the 'hood

An early sunday morning tube ride from Heathrow with friendly post-drunken revellers.
Geeking out to the underground familiarity yet newness.
A sleepy lazy morning followed by bike rides to Sainsbury's and the Chinese Grocer, and to the City Farm and nearby markets.
A lot of food was had. A lot of bewildered grins and snapshot taking.

Deen City Farm - the Growing Gardens Project

caroline and andy, peddling about

a very cute marketplace

mmm cider

oui, c'est moi. je suis tres fatigue ici, mais je suis heureuse aussi :)

that night I fell asleep sitting up at 8.30 with my head on the arm of the couch - fast asleep. This has only happened a couple of times in my lifetime - but it felt good to be exhausted!

going going...

“The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies,
and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise.”

~Miguel De Cervantes

at last a decent pack - osprey women's specific - and a real shiny new toy :)

why it takes me so long to move house - dress ups! an old festival costume...

tall man little cat... both given up waiting!

burn my shadow

an image I'm not gonna miss... thanks Auckland, it's been a blast.

Seriously though, there are people I will miss who I've been super blessed to have around. Richard for listening and making me laugh, Louise and Josca for being amazing and patient and feeding me when I wouldn't feed myself, Gilly and Anna for pep talks and coffee dates, my other flatmates and cats for just being around and looking good! Rhonda at work for dealing with my two month 'absence' and Gus for letting me rant. My mum as always but even more so than usual. And Sam for reminding me that men like you do exist!, and choosing to spend those days with me and helping me move on.

This is thoughtless and hurried but my battery is dying... I love you all xoxo

'gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is'

Big Blue's last ride (and Josca's funky helmet, mine was stolen!)

If anyone needs a bike... come get her :)
She has a great womens-specific saddle, mudguards and pannier rack.

Okay, it's nearly two and I fly to the other side of the world tomorrow midday... maybe I should get back to packing (sorry Sam)!

packing and goodbyes

I can finally listen to music again!

I have Groundation (brilliant old school roots reggae) on my dusty ipod and I'm dancing around the room tidying the house. I loooove weekends in this place. My cats are in cute mode.

Lots to do, packing and tidying and henna my hair! But it's a great cool cloudy day for spring cleaning and coffee and egg on toast.

I was given wine, carrot cake and a swiss army knife (!) from my lovely ecostore crew - thinking I got some pretty special treatment with the Kokako vege catering and all...

Bye bye ecostore whanau!

reminiscence / distraction

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

I'll meet you there"

- Rumi

*

more even older travels - 2005, south island summer. fruitpicking and woofing:

st arnaud forest

near nelson

riverside community - painting woofing

conscious construction! tahunanui?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

braiding garlic for selling, riverside

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

our home (Cecil) an old brown lite-ace with a retro orange racing stripe.

we painted him festival green inside, made him curtains and built a bed.

don't harsh my mellow, man

Now why do we get these slump days when we're doing so well? Silly humans. I'm very much over feeling sorry for myself now - but tell that to my mind!

Today felt super sad right from the start, even amongst the stunning spring blooms, walks in the park, one crazy-happy little fuzzy duckling, and coffee in the the sunshine. Losing a partner and best friend to someone else just bites no matter what you try to tell yourself. On your self-esteem (all time low), your trust and your sense of a solid reality.
But it's not as bad as it was and never will be... and my new little seedling life is growing fresh and hopeful.

*
On my ma's old laptop today I found photos stored from an old travel CD I thought had been ruined! It has Hong Kong, England, Ireland, and Anna's little bach house from back in 06 :) There were too many fun memories so I'm just going to pull some out and see what I end up with.

 staying in Anna's caravan, autumn 06

hong kong, june 06

wapping, south of river thames june 06

sherwood forest

I was joking to my ex how tidy my tent was without him in it

...and wanted to prove it!

sherwood castle..?

millenium stained glass

and lastly

me and my darling soul sister Kim in Sydney, 06

for woman, from man

A wonderful friend of mine wrote this little poem at random last night to cheer me up, and it made me laugh so much I had to post it. He would also like to mention that if any woman friends are suitably impressed, his email is available on request...

(Abridged - he gives up on the rhyming at some point)

***

Despair for the little man

but be happy for him also

he does not feel your deepest pain

he's all clogged up in his torso

he has five or six childhood traumas

that he's yet to unpeel
so he takes them out on you
day by day
so with them he shall not deal

he can't, you see, understand
and not all of it makes sense
that some things hurt and were done to him
without the best intent

he's hurting and avoiding
just to make you see
that all that you could do for him
is to love him
let him be...

His dick, my dear, is up his own arse
Freud was right
We are quite
Attached to Mother's breast

He'll get through it though, by and by,
When he comes to understand
He was not born to be a son
But his very own man

[I think it changes once you have kids
I don't know
I've also seen fathers quite like little boys.]

A word for men at the end
You women must understand
The weight of your failed expectations
Crushes
As surely as our lack of understanding of your needs
Does to you.

So be kind
And patient
And hope that maybe, maybe we'll get there in the end
.

over my head...

.
little doodle from a complicated hokianga weekend
.

Springish Thoughts

My photoblog is getting a little psychedelic... perhaps I should limit the colour palette?!

Today is the first day of Spring and I am feeling newness bursting from the pixie within... I may be still bitter, sad and hurt but I am also determined and excited!

This time around... I am going to do the things that challenge me.

Today has been all about:

Fresh roasted coffee beans
Wafts of blossom on the air and bright pollen on the pavements
Sweet smells of cut grass on the early morning cycle to work
Arranging details with friends in London, right down to the welcome hugs!
Hearing about the Notting Hill Carnival
My gorgeous cats having a loving new temporary mum! We heart Amy! <3
Sending Trade Me parcels
Anticipating another amazingly healing Reiki session tonight
Having my flatmate's crazy band 'The Longdrops' songs stuck in my head yet again! Damn insomnia!
Rather large, untimely crush on a sweet banjo-playin' man - thinking I'll computer-micro-chip-tag him and track him down one day (when I'm brave enough to actually look him in the eye!)
Heh, he'll never work it out...

I have a new 2gig SD card and feel I should post a photo. But I'm being lazy today ;)

And I am procrastinating - 7 more work days to go and I'm free as a bird.