On the road again...

...via Edinburgh, yeeeeaah!

I'm becoming less of a music nazi as the years pass, allowing an eclectic taste to develop as I get older. Yesterday in the polytunnel I listened to two Snow Patrol albums, twice. Just because they're so damn good to sing along to.

I searched them out on my ipod because this song has been on my mind for days and I keep entering shops where it's playing, although it's fairly old. (Warning - it's a slightly rubbish video!)

So I'm allowing, erm,  emo-romantic-indy-pop (?) to soften tight places in my heart...



 ' To be nobody but yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight... and never stop fighting'
- E.E. Cummings (thank you Peta)

Also...

1. I'm famous, innit...

2. Last night I was chatting to my host Jan about a whole range of life-stuff: pain, womanhood, forgiveness, Buddhism. In a moment of spontaneity, she told me she hugely admired me.

I asked her why that was. She said that she was a 'rescuer', meaning she gravitated towards people that needed her help and tried to save them, but that she had watched me watching myself and trying to grow, and she knew I was immensely strong and didn't need saving. She could see I wanted to do it all on my own.

Jan put it better than my retelling, but I think it's possibly the nicest thing anyone's ever seen in me.

 

And I needed to leave you, like I needed to please; but I made a dress from the thread that's left and it comes down to my knees
 

- Martha Tilston, 'Kinvarna'

nutshells (a photoblog..?!)

In which she moves around a tad too much, loses what was left of her rubbish memory and leaves her computer cable in the town of Colchester...

So instead, here are her adventures in the shape of language.

***

Eco Dharma Build Project 02/01 - 27/04. I spent four months here in the end, working hard and heavy through a large amount of Mind Stuff and forming the beginnings of a stronghold in Buddhism. I'm extremely grateful for the space, the community, the extreme simplicity of our mountain life. And for time alone in the bender, the yurt, the solitary cabin, and for new friendships, in particular the inspiration I gained from dear Carrie (a shameless plug, for she's worthy of it).

I'll remember the foxes, woodpeckers, isards, vultures, squirrels, snakes and cuckoos (as well as the boar I never saw). Ruined farmhouses, shepherds' huts on the ridge; fossils, feathers, strange fungi, crystal rocks, masses of wild thyme, rosemary, lavender and sage. Relics of the civil war. Animal bones.

Flute practise.

Puja, yoga, study and meditation in the big yurt.

Spontaneous excursions to town, forbidden foods.

Giardhia belly, mashed up fingers, strange allergies, sore knees.

Care parcels, postcards.

Weekends spent walking, sewing, drawing and writing snail mail. Handwashing, strip washing.

Fire lighting, water collecting, lime mortar, overalls. Carry tiles, lay tiles, sand doors, carve handles, drill beams, measure tongue and groove, cut stone...

A prepared garden, a new retreat centre, then back to the UK  with a new set of plans.

Wildheart, 28/04 - 05/05: A very small and very beautiful festival in Sussex. Ben and Yashobodhi had contacted Trevor, the volunteer organiser of Buddhafield Cafe, and he had a space to have me on the crew for five of the festivals this season. I went literally straight to from Spain to Sussex, stopping only to sleep four hours at Steve's place in London and awakening to a sunny day and a jaw-dropping feast of a breakfast - pancakes with banana, strawberries and syrup, fresh coffee and a squeezed juice concoction!

Two short term volunteers from the build project were also working with the cafe so it was nice to see familiar faces, and the rest of the crew were great too. There were three 6-hour shifts, we were the biggest cafe there and it got pretty crazy at nights, considering the size of the festival. I met up with old and not so old friends, made some new ones, and had a few very memorable nights.

I let myself be a bit wild with... well everything really! It was kinda decadent to awake mid-morning husky voiced and coffee seeking. Buddhafield Cafe have a private sauna and hot shower... amazing... in a little converted trailer. It was the best thing for winding down and getting toasty before crawling into sleeping bags.

There were workshops to be had from leatherwork to wildfood foraging, and much dancing-around-the-maypole, late-night acoustic sessions and sing-alongs. 3 hours of solid Ceilidh whilst on a shift may have been a little too much frantic fiddle for me, but Avalon Roots played a vibrant, bouncing, powerful set later that same night to make up for it.

I'm missing the crew and counting down the days... In between, I've been hanging about London town and Colchester, catching up with friends and messing around in other people's gardens.

Dhanakosa, 14/05 - 27/05: There followeth another drawn out bustraintubebusbustraintaxi type journey to get to Lochearnhead, Scotland, made slightly trickier by my phone - which had a red wine bath ten minutes before leaving Colchester - sadly passing away and taking with it all my travel directions, megabus reservations and number for the subsidised taxi to the centre. (But I love the Scottish - a tour bus driver took me, free of charge, from one town to the next when I asked him where I should catch the bus from.)

Dhanakosa is a buddhist retreat centre, and the polar opposite of Eco Dharma. It's surrounded by lush soft grass, rolling hills, small quiet country roads overhung with trees and patched with lakes and woods. Ahhh... it was bliss to go barefoot. I was there because my friend Lou left E.D. to be their volunteer cook for three months, and mentioned to me their yearly maintenance fortnight. 

So I kept up my meditation and yoga - easy because the shrine rooms were so beautiful - and spent a few hours each day painting doors, walls and ceilings. 

The magnificently loud, lude and luscious Michaela cooked us mammoth meals and divine deserts.

There was a Tai Chi retreat planned to start the day we left. In the second week Andy, who was fitting the kitchen, gave his friend an emergency call for help and so the lovely James spent three or four days with us. During that time we discovered we could help each other out - I had too much time to kill before the next festival, no plans, no home and very little cash. He had an overgrown garden and no WWOOFers due to come until the middle of next month. And so...

27/05 - 10/06: James' and Jan's place! Auldhearn, Scotland, near Inverness. The scenery on the drive up was possibly the most scenic I've experienced. The main roads here are sandwiched between fields and woodlands of the most intense greens, punctuated with bluebells, bright yellow rapeseed fields and gorse flowers. 

J & J have six raised beds and a tunnel house. There's planting to be done, watering and raking and weeding, a little ancient tractor maintenance here and there. They have three daughters aged between 11 - 18, Vaila, Tiri and Sula - all named after islands - Tiri for Tiritirimatangi near my old home! They have strong New Zealand connections. 

I've been to visit Andy's gorgeous handbuilt home, Therese's kitchen garden, and the wild windswept beaches in Nairn on another borrowed bicycle. 

There are three cats to cuddle - Squirrel, Sid and Slinky.

So here I am for another eight days! 

THINGS TO BE UBER SUPER FIDGETY EXCITED ABOUT... 

\(^_^)/ Visiting Zoe and Jill in Edinburgh on the 10th June! Another hometown in which a little piece of my heart lies.

\(^_^)/ Steve's birthday, and the arrival of Louise and Josca (world's best flatmates to me last year) in London on the 12th.

\(^_^)/ Annnnnd... Glastonbury on the 19th!!! Yusss! 
It's also, a year that day since I moved from my Waiheke home (holy shit) and I think that's a pretty good day to choose celebration rather than sadness.

I'm so glad to be working there, it's a far bigger festival than I've ever considered going to, but the cafe will be in the healing fields next to the solar stage and tipi village. An ambient retreat from the madness.

The lineup is... kind of mind boggling! How anyone would every squeeze in all the acts they wanted to see alludes me completely.

For me, there's Broken Social Scene, U2, Snoop (!), Fourtet, Stanton Warriors, Florence and the Machine, Devendra Banhart, Toots and the Maytals, Turin Brakes, DJ Craze, Hybrid, Lou Rhodes... even the Zen Elephants and Shouting at Planes just because they're damn cool names.

Plus side of breakfast shift = you have from midday onwards to play and see all the biggest acts.

Downside = obvious. Having to get up early the next morning!

***

I've been singing a lot. I think this must be good.

17 days... x

Hola! I'm alive! My 6-week sojourn at Ecodharma has been somewhat extended and I am still not back in the modern age. (Please excuse the blog post compiled from bits of recently sent emails..)

I am strong, happy and whole, and loving my re-found creativity, freedom and flute-playing. Ah there is so much more to life than a job in a city! (How did I almost forget that?) My gypsy soul is sighing with relief and pixie wings are shaking themselves free from the memory of entrapment.

Oh, if you could but imagine the photos I have... I will one day have enough access to create a flickr account, and then I'll finally be able to share this incredible place with you all.

Oh noes.... It's not letting me cut and paste. Scrap that plan, I have to put the rice on. Next time perhaps!

Muchos besos xoxoxo

A glimpse of EcoDharma...

The house we are staying in while working on Cal Toa... beautiful. It´s no longer snowing but the other images I tried all failed, there are people needing to use precious internet time so yáll are gonna have to wait! x

01012010

Happy New Year! First post of 2010!

I had a lovely, easy new year's eve celebration - my first black tie event at Sam and Naomi's house here in Colchester. I curled my hair and put on makeup for the occasion! I wore sparkly stockings and a floaty, sheer, sequined bolero - both in a very pale, dusky pink - and a tiny, soft wool sleeveless dress in an even lighter dusky pink, almost white. I sent an sms to Anna to tell her she wouldn't believe her eyes and got the reply back 'omg! Take photos!' Unfortunately I got a little besotted with Eddy the kitten and forgot to take photos of anything else, but there are sitting-at-the-table shots taken by our amazing hosts which I will try to get my hands on.

The food and drink was so tasty, the games were fun and raucous and thankfully the conversation wasn't nearly as formal as the attire. I was so happy at the strike of midnight to say goodbye to 2009, it really felt so right to be leaving it behind and stepping into something new. However psychological that may be, it's felt by everyone to some extent and that creates a strong energy of Newness and Potential.

Just to prove that 2010 is going to be wonderful, I woke up with a lovely man who I was lucky enough to spend a previous day or two with and who looks great in a borrowed 60s tux... I arrived home to a greasy vegetarian breakfast and coffee, and just as I was going into panic mode over the lack of time left in which to get to the bus station, Ann and Caroline decided they would go on a day trip via Stansted airport, which bought me much more time and energy and cups of tea! Hooray!

So what did everyone else do for New Year's Eve (apart from drinking so much you forgot the words to Auld Lang Syne)?? Leave me a comment or drop me an email.

I'm off to Spain - aaaaagh!

Much love, good wishes and blessings for a fun year!

the owl and the pussycat

Mmmm. The ibook is warm.


Crystal the old and wise manages to log me out of gmail...

25/12 again? already?

Blank page. Christmas day.

Missing love, missing hugs.
Breakfast in bed. Kiss on the head.
Family and friends scattered around,
Everywhere but where I'm found.
Again the Brookes' take me under their wings,
And I am grateful for the little things.
No meditation... head feels murky...
Snow, wine, and vegan turkey(!)

What a rough 12 months
Sometimes too much to bear.

I forcefully feel
And would like to share -

2010 will be a fantastic year!

ending sankara

I attended a ten-day vipassana in Hereford - and survived to tell the tale!

Vipassana (Goenka tradition) is a silence meditation based on fundamental aspects of the Buddha's teachings, observing the breath and awareness of sensations in the body without reacting to them with craving or aversion.

Quietening the mind brings forth many old sankaras (deep lines or scars on the soul) which if we are to observe as above, takes away the power of the emotional pain, and as everything is impermanent not giving them any power eventually dissolves them. (To be fair it is late at night and I may not be retelling this as well as I could be).

It's interesting to note that people tend to leave on the 2nd day - while the respiration technique is still being practised - or the morning of the 5th day, after the actual vipassana is taught. I think the first exodus happens because people's mental resistance tells them the technique is boring or pointless, and they have not yet learned to look at physical pain that occurs while sitting without reacting to it. The second seems to be a running-away-in-terror, as the vipassana technique teaches us to really look within at all our Stuck Stuff. This tends to freak people out who don't want to see that they aren't too mentally stable!

By the fourth day I had given up on trying to be tough and requested a back support, sheepishly admitting that I hadn't put my back problems on the sign-up form because it made me feel like an old nana. So although my back became progressively sore throughout the course it could have been worse, and I noticed that when I had a particularly deep meditation I was able to detach from it completely.

Things went up and down, up and down, more and more rubbish came up - Goenka delicately calls it 'the pus under the wound'. Bringing up the deep-rooted emotional scars that most techniques just skim over. I would spend a whole day feeling like shite about something, with new acceptance or pain coming to me, trying my hardest to remain equanimous and not be frustrated with my progress- and then just one intensely focused meditation would have me soaring with peace and presence.

The vegetarian food was incredible, it was labelled simple but I don't count tofu, cheese and hommus as basic food! Missing dinners didn't matter as much as I had anticipated, and I discovered Barleycup. Mmmm.

The one time that waking at 4am proved to be an issue was after helping my wonderful, brave roommate through some nasty anxiety and literal spewing forth of messy childhood memories. We went to bed damn late but with her feeling much better!

On the tenth day, after silence was broken, it was beautiful to watch the couples meeting up as the barriers between the men's and women's quarters were taken down. Seeing them share their experiences and appreciating each other after time apart was so precious.

I've already decided to take another course in Spring, and I plan to volunteer in the kitchen as well.

Maybe I can even convince Jane to come back with me, and we'll do Noble Silence properly this time  ; )