29 Dec 2009

the owl and the pussycat


Mmmm. The ibook is warm.


Crystal the old and wise manages to log me out of gmail...

25 Dec 2009

25/12 again? already?

Blank page. Christmas day.

Missing love, missing hugs.
Breakfast in bed. Kiss on the head.
Family and friends scattered around,
Everywhere but where I'm found.
Again the Brookes' take me under their wings,
And I am grateful for the little things.
No meditation... head feels murky...
Snow, wine, and vegan turkey(!)

What a rough 12 months
Sometimes too much to bear.

I forcefully feel
And would like to share -

2010 will be a fantastic year!




21 Dec 2009

ending sankara

I attended a ten-day vipassana in Hereford - and survived to tell the tale!

Vipassana (Goenka tradition) is a silence meditation based on fundamental aspects of the Buddha's teachings, observing the breath and awareness of sensations in the body without reacting to them with craving or aversion.

Quietening the mind brings forth many old sankaras (deep lines or scars on the soul) which if we are to observe as above, takes away the power of the emotional pain, and as everything is impermanent not giving them any power eventually dissolves them. (To be fair it is late at night and I may not be retelling this as well as I could be).

It's interesting to note that people tend to leave on the 2nd day - while the respiration technique is still being practised - or the morning of the 5th day, after the actual vipassana is taught. I think the first exodus happens because people's mental resistance tells them the technique is boring or pointless, and they have not yet learned to look at physical pain that occurs while sitting without reacting to it. The second seems to be a running-away-in-terror, as the vipassana technique teaches us to really look within at all our Stuck Stuff. This tends to freak people out who don't want to see that they aren't too mentally stable!

By the fourth day I had given up on trying to be tough and requested a back support, sheepishly admitting that I hadn't put my back problems on the sign-up form because it made me feel like an old nana. So although my back became progressively sore throughout the course it could have been worse, and I noticed that when I had a particularly deep meditation I was able to detach from it completely.

Things went up and down, up and down, more and more rubbish came up - Goenka delicately calls it 'the pus under the wound'. Bringing up the deep-rooted emotional scars that most techniques just skim over. I would spend a whole day feeling like shite about something, with new acceptance or pain coming to me, trying my hardest to remain equanimous and not be frustrated with my progress- and then just one intensely focused meditation would have me soaring with peace and presence.

The vegetarian food was incredible, it was labelled simple but I don't count tofu, cheese and hommus as basic food! Missing dinners didn't matter as much as I had anticipated, and I discovered Barleycup. Mmmm.

The one time that waking at 4am proved to be an issue was after helping my wonderful, brave roommate through some nasty anxiety and literal spewing forth of messy childhood memories. We went to bed damn late but with her feeling much better!

On the tenth day, after silence was broken, it was beautiful to watch the couples meeting up as the barriers between the men's and women's quarters were taken down. Seeing them share their experiences and appreciating each other after time apart was so precious.

I've already decided to take another course in Spring, and I plan to volunteer in the kitchen as well.

Maybe I can even convince Jane to come back with me, and we'll do Noble Silence properly this time  ; )


19 Dec 2009

softly, softly



My little room (my private temple of solitude!) at Vlierhof, with a view of the yurts, the herb garden and the sheep.

7 Dec 2009

Chapter Two...

I leave Vlierhof tomorrow... I have lived here 2 months already!

I have never achieved so much or felt so free.

Tomorrow I take a night bus from Amstel station in Amsterdam to London, where I will have brunch with Steve and catch a tube to Stepney Green for my rideshare to vipassana!

2 more sleeps until vipassana! (I'll let you know if I survive.)

Sunshine!

Yoga!

Pranayama!

Life is good.

24 Nov 2009

bikeporncentral 3 - Amsterdam

Alright, I couldn't think of a better title. I have been meaning to upload these for weeks and it seems criminal that they lie unseen in my desktop folder... so here's the latest installment in bike-envy ^_^


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so many neglected beauties (if only i had a bolt-cutter...) 
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15 Nov 2009

fractile



rain rain rain


communication


honesty


light-heartedness


quince jam


winter vegetables

12 Nov 2009

love story (think good thoughts on Friday 13th)

Love one another,
but make not a bond of love
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts,
but not into each other's keeping;
For only the hand of Life
can contain your hearts.

And stand together
yet not too near together;
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.

~Khalil Gibran

10 Nov 2009

being 30!























The only difference is that I am now officially much older than I look or feel...

25 Oct 2009

the community cosmos

Oops. My blog nearly joins the thousands of neglected blogs out there in the bloggy blogosphere. It was all those photos, and all those changes, and suddenly I am swept up in a whole new life and trying to stay in the present each day.

On the 5th I took a bus from London to Amsterdam, after a night of pure fun in epic proportions with Andy, Caroline and Filza at Black Seeds. (We had a picnic and drinks at the Barbican first off. Twas a sell-out show at Shepherds Bush and they were really high energy, and we danced and drank and danced some more, it was an amazing vibe.)

Late on Saturday night I dragged myself into Amstel station and spent a week with Arjuna in Baarn.
Sitting in silence.
Meditating.
Cooking.
Drinking wine.
Walking around the village talking to strangers, ogling bikes and spending time in conversation with the self-titled (and highly intelligent) town bum Laurence. I spent a day in Amsterdam just walking and absorbing and met Arjuna that night for snacks and drinks in a lovely cafe.

The first weekend we made a spontaneous plan to visit a community called Vlierhof on the German / Dutch border, even though our contact there had recently left and there was no work for us at the time. We arrived Saturday evening and by that night I knew I wanted to stay, it just felt so right and familiar and all the pieces fit at once. Arjuna went back to work on Tuesday, and that same day I started in the garden with Jonatan, my scorpion twin I'm sure I knew from a past life somehow.

It flowed from there, I was found a space working in the garden (perfect!) and I help in the kitchen. I live in the yurt with three other lovely humans and two cats and have been here two weeks already.

It's amazing. Each day is like a week in this intense micro-cosmos we inhabit. We share each meal except for Sundays, and argue and laugh and work and hug and teach each other.

There is kindness here, and out of necessity a lack of ego and aggression. Cooking for everyone is a wonderful feeling, and working to grow food for us all is a blessing. Yesterday I saw a tiny shrew! Snuffling about our feet in the tunnelhouse on his sightless quest for food.

Wednesday is sauna night, it was built along with 'the pride of Vlierhof' - our natural pond and mini-beach on which we light a bonfire, steam ourselves in the sauna and run naked into the pond to come alive again.

Each day brings new challenges and new surprises. Dealing with people with such close contact is like years of learning about yourself condensed down into days. It's crucial to be honest with yourself and with those around you.

I feel open and free and part of a big family. I have been singing and dancing and playing music and expressing as much as possible. Some days I wake up soaring and some with the depression back with no warning.

This is a very serious post. It's been a long week! Time for a photo attempt I think. Today I will also finally add some to my facebook account.

2 more days left in my 20s...















Amsterdam city art!
















on the way to the kitchen from the yurt
















the fire that keeps us toasty warm :)


2 Oct 2009

bike porn central...

I know I'm just about to head to Holland and will most likely die of happiness... But these sexy machines I've been saving up.

I've now come to the conclusion, after days of geeking out over the amount of old classics on the road (as well as expensive new look-alikes) that half of london must have dredged up their parents' dusty old raleighs from the basement or garden shed. It's epic and adds so much to the general atmosphere!


I. Want. This. Bike.
To me it's a cross between a fun cruiser and someone's battered, stickered-up
guitar case. Beautiful.


I've heard about these but not seen one until now - white tyres! I love it!


Big and little extremes.

29 Sept 2009

music, baking and coffee withdrawal

No posts this week, mostly because I've been doing pretty close to nothing. It's been great. I feel like the last four months have been so dark, changing, crazy - now my brain and body just want to sit and soak in the silence I find here during the days.

My flute taught me an important lesson today (or perhaps an inner guide deserves some credit here)...

I was tooting along learning my notes this afternoon, getting especially stuck on D which constantly and dramatically changes pitch depending on how I am holding the flute and my lips.
As I was becoming frustrated, I suddenly realised that I needed to take joy in the baby steps rather than just focusing on becoming an expert and mastering the instrument at some point in the future. This may sound commonsense to some people but I always seem to forget to have fun along the way.
So I closed my eyes, changed my perspective and could suddenly feel the smooth keys clicking under my fingers, and the vibration that runs through my hands as the notes are played and my breath runs through it. I felt the angle of my head and arms, even the sound in my heart. It changed the entire experience and I felt absorbed in the moment.

It's now been two days without coffee after a sudden decision to quit... and I am one grumpy headachey lass. I've been drinking genmai cha instead - green tea with roasted brown rice. It's not quite the same!

On a food note, this is possibly the best bread recipe I've ever tried - it's so simple yet the fresh yeast turns it into an artisan loaf. I highly recommend giving it a go! For full effect, after rising and knocking back, roll out the dough and then fold it over itself in thirds. press down each end and fold it under. Then wipe with salt water and sprinkle with flour.

And lastly, here's an obligatory London photo... More bike porn to follow.


24 Sept 2009

on being a lady of leisure
























i just liked this. it's so andy. (it's in our bathroom.)

a few completely non-soap-related ponderings about things I've learned, which you may not have time to listen to... but I have the leisure of time to write, and I intend to make the most of it my dears.

first of all, that it really is okay to allow yourself pure laziness now and then... so long as you're truly enjoying the experience of it, not inconveniencing anyone else, and most importantly refraining from beating yourself up with 'shoulds' for not being out there doing Important Stuff - I guarantee it won't last forever.

likewise, it's okay if 'in your own time' is a pretty damn slow time. being gentle on yourself gives you the space to take the steps necessary to grow, without remembering it as a negative and stressful experience.

third, bicycles are truly wondrous and beautiful things that make the streets look graceful and safer than they ultimately are. with the bonus of guaranteed exercise. if you live in a flat city - get on one now! it's the closest we get to flying on a daily basis.

and preferably, or if you can at all help it, never take the advice of a girl who's had a rather large bottle of banana-bread beer on a sunny day at 5.2% alcohol volume.

















today was international hug-a-vegetarian day. i got some hugs from vegetarians, and gave some hugs as a vegetarian. i tried to hug this guy, but had a pretty epic fail. i'm sure he appreciated the gesture.

i was thinking today, of some words / actions that always make me laugh when i'm feeling down:

sparrows having dirt baths (thanks anna!)
a toddler's expression as he breaks for freedom from his mum and dad and does that crazy when-will-he-topple type run
boggle-eyed anything - fish, cats, pugs...
engrish! it's foolproof i swear!
yogalates  - ahahahahaha....
wagging - not like being a footballer's wife or skipping school, more like a dog... try it! when you're taking life far too seriously - wiggle your hips back and forth on either side, stick your tongue out, grin... well it helps me anyway.

cliched phrases spoken in melodramatic earnest, such as "my head and my heart got together and had a meeting - and i wasn't invited". (hah - that was naughty. but i'm laughing, and that's the main thing right now). that one just kills me every damn time... and reminds me why i'm here, doing what i'm doing, real-proper-no-bollocks solo - to realise more about who i am, and why i am.

and to drink banana beer.

that is all for now.

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23 Sept 2009

the finer things

pottering about in London central with Steve :) Soaking up some of my other favourite things (aside from bikes and gardening) - food and art!


fancy cafe = fancy sugar



yum! cheers for the breakfast shout hermano!



famous borough markets, still beautiful when empty



just another beautiful pub...



steve apparently basking in debtor prison pub's lighting with his fruli (strawberry beer)



tate modern - they weren't an installation, just cute

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The last day and a bit have been super lazy - I have a nasty throat infection and it's very grey outside... so I've been playing housewife, watering the garden, washing up and cooking for my lovely hosts. I started feeling unwell after Hong Kong, where everyone was getting about in masks, and I worried that if I mentioned it to staff as they said we should that they would quarantine me!

Starting to suffer from cabin fever now so I will dress up nice tomorrow and explore some old haunts; Hackney, Stoke Newington, Shoreditch etc.

Another really strange 'coincidence' - in my first few hours in London, Caro showed me a bbc clip of two middleaged gay gentlemen and their little daughter having their grocery-shopping habits made over by an expert, who showed them a great cheat's way of making fancy bread. I kept thinking the guy looked familiar... it was Jonathan. They were my ex's uncles and niece. What are the chances..?!

22 Sept 2009

city cycle snaps!

i've noticed that bicycles have exploded onto the streets since I was last on british soil, and it's almost a dutch flavour seeing so many basketed bikes chained up to the railings.

here are some of my favourites from yesterday...


ah...
beautiful 
banana-esque-ness





raleigh shopper


my favourite!


day one - around the 'hood

An early sunday morning tube ride from Heathrow with friendly post-drunken revellers.
Geeking out to the underground familiarity yet newness.
A sleepy lazy morning followed by bike rides to Sainsbury's and the Chinese Grocer, and to the City Farm and nearby markets.
A lot of food was had. A lot of bewildered grins and snapshot taking.











Deen City Farm - the Growing Gardens Project











caroline and andy, peddling about











a very cute marketplace












mmm cider












oui, c'est moi. je suis tres fatigue ici, mais je suis heureuse aussi :)

that night I fell asleep sitting up at 8.30 with my head on the arm of the couch - fast asleep. This has only happened a couple of times in my lifetime - but it felt good to be exhausted!

20 Sept 2009

going going...

“The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies,
and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise.”

~Miguel De Cervantes















at last a decent pack - osprey women's specific - and a real shiny new toy :)












why it takes me so long to move house - dress ups! an old festival costume...











tall man little cat... both given up waiting!

19 Sept 2009

burn my shadow
















an image I'm not gonna miss... thanks Auckland, it's been a blast.

Seriously though, there are people I will miss who I've been super blessed to have around. Richard for listening and making me laugh, Louise and Josca for being amazing and patient and feeding me when I wouldn't feed myself, Gilly and Anna for pep talks and coffee dates, my other flatmates and cats for just being around and looking good! Rhonda at work for dealing with my two month 'absence' and Gus for letting me rant. My mum as always but even more so than usual. And Sam for reminding me that men like you do exist!, and choosing to spend those days with me and helping me move on.

This is thoughtless and hurried but my battery is dying... I love you all xoxo

18 Sept 2009

'gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is'
















Big Blue's last ride (and Josca's funky helmet, mine was stolen!)

If anyone needs a bike... come get her :)
She has a great womens-specific saddle, mudguards and pannier rack.

Okay, it's nearly two and I fly to the other side of the world tomorrow midday... maybe I should get back to packing (sorry Sam)!

11 Sept 2009

packing and goodbyes

I can finally listen to music again!

I have Groundation (brilliant old school roots reggae) on my dusty ipod and I'm dancing around the room tidying the house. I loooove weekends in this place. My cats are in cute mode.

Lots to do, packing and tidying and henna my hair! But it's a great cool cloudy day for spring cleaning and coffee and egg on toast.

I was given wine, carrot cake and a swiss army knife (!) from my lovely ecostore crew - thinking I got some pretty special treatment with the Kokako vege catering and all...

Bye bye ecostore whanau!


6 Sept 2009

reminiscence / distraction


"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

I'll meet you there"
- Rumi
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more even older travels - 2005, south island summer. fruitpicking and woofing:












st arnaud forest




near nelson




riverside community - painting woofing













conscious construction! tahunanui?
 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
    


braiding garlic for selling, riverside

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

our home (Cecil) an old brown lite-ace with a retro orange racing stripe.
we painted him festival green inside, made him curtains and built a bed.